J’aime vie…

My beloved grandma left us on Saturday, 15th September 2007. I flew back from Melbourne to attend her funeral.

I thought, as a way to remember my grandma, i would talk about what she was like. In my uncle’s eulogy, he said, "I am very proud to be my mother’s son." In the same reflection, i would say that "i am very proud to be my grandmother’s grand-daughter".

Growing up, my grandmother was ALWAYS there for us. She was both our provider as well as our carer. Whenever we were hungry, whenever we were sick, whenever we needed a shield when mum used to chase us around with a cane (ha ha!), whenever I kicked off my blanket when I was sleeping, whenever we wanted money to go and buy sweets from the local "indian man shop", whenever we came home from school, whenever we just wanted her around…she was ALWAYS there.

I remember she used to plant this green "herb" plant thing in our garden that she used to grind into a drink for me whenever i had a sore throat because it was supposed to make me feel better and heal the sore throat. Well, it kinda worked but it was SO hard to drink..tasted exactly like it looked, GREEN! She would then add loads of honey into the drink so that it was easier to swallow.

One can never go hungry living in my house. Everyday, without fail, food will be on the table. My grandma cooked FEASTS for us every day. You see, my mum can’t cook. Only because we were so pampered by my grandma’s cooking. She knew how to make every favourite food in my book…of all her dishes, my favourite is her "Potato & Chicken"…it’s a yummilicious dish of chicken pieces cooked in oyster sauce, ginger and mushrooms. It’s a simple dish but it’s the way she cooked it that made is taste SOOOO GOOD! I’ve made this dish 1000 times in Australia but never came close to how it used to taste when she made it. YUMMY!

Grandma is one of the people in my life that i owe my life to…literally. When I was 3 months old, I had an intentine infection that caused my intestines to swell and ‘knot’ up together in the abdomen. That night, before they discovered this, I was crying the WHOLE night and wouldn’t sleep. My mum and dad could not sleep and early in the morning, my mum went to my grandma to ask her to please take care of me as they had not been able to sleep and needed to work the next day. I can still imagine her describing the situation to me…"The moment I took you in my arms, I knew you were not crying as per normal. There was something very wrong with this baby. So i told your mother, "Don’t Sleep! This baby is not crying as per normal. She is very sick. Bring her to the hospital now!" And without hesitation, my parents brought me to the hospital and there I was diagnosed with an intestine infection that caused my intestines to swell and thus swallow up the good intestines as well. If left too long, the wall could break due to rot, and I could have died from septic contamination…poo poo flowing all over my guts. Not a pretty sight. Doctors said that it was fortunate that they got me admitted in time. So I had an operation at the tender age of 3 months old. And thanks to my grandma’s quick thinking and experience, I was spared further complication.

Now when i was young, I did a very naughty thing…Grandma, I have to confess. Grandma used to keep a Milo tin of coins in her cupboard, which i discovered. It was full to the brim. No joke. Mum didn’t let me buy sweet tit bits so I used to take a couple of 50 cent coins and go to the nearby "indian man shop" to buy some sweets and junk food. Now, it came to a point that my grandma started to notice and she used to say, "How come my coins seem to have decreased?" My grandma is very conscientious with her money, you see…my reply was always, SILENCE. She never found out and I decided to stop. Oops.

Grandma was truly a very simple woman. She didn’t ask for much. Her daily routine was to wake up early at 6am. Do tai chi…then go to the market to get the daily meats and vegetables to feed the family. In the afternoon, after preparing the soup and everything for the night dinner, she will go to play Mahjong. But she will always make sure that she comes home before we get off from school so that when we got home, she would always be around. Sometimes, she would watch TVB Hong Kong series in the afternoon. Then about 5-6pm, she will cook dinner. When dinner was ready, she will yell, on the top of her lungs, to announce that "DINNER IS READY! COME AND EAT!" And we would all have to drop whatever we were doing because it was "DINNER TIME"…most important time in my grandmother’s books. Everyday, for many years, my grandmother would follow this routine. My sister, brother and I are a testament to her many years of feeding us such good food. Her whole life was to serve…her family and to make sure she gives the best she can in her capacity, which is to prepare a good & scrumptous meal every day so everyone is well fed.

I remember she used to boil "8 chan". I don’t know what it is called in English but it is hit chinese concoction that when boiled, is BLACK in colour. It’s a herb that is good for "women" to take. And each time, she will add about 2-3 eggs inside. Everytime she made this, my sis and I would be first in line to ask for the eggs (NOT THE DRINK! Was so YUCKS to me as a little child…) as it was oh so yummy with Soya Sauce. Heeee!

Now, I remember the happiest day of my life…is the day my grandma accepted Christ. Yup! I’m serious. I remember that when I first became a Christian, my aunt and I were the only ones within the family of this warm little house on 11, Jalan Bukit Midah, who were Christians. I was so excited and happy that I wanted everyone in the family to know Christ too. So I planned my ultimate plan to share with everyone and my grandparents were last in the list…well, simply because they were old, and a little stubborn and because they have been Buddhists for more than 70 years of their lives. So grandparents, last…

And then one April night, when I was caregroup and I had forgotten to switch off my mobile, my aunt called and explaimed, "Guess what!? Grandma accepted Christ and so did grandpa!" My reaction was one of extreme joy…I remember bursting out crying so hard because it was so unexpected and because i was so OVERJOYED. It was a miracle to me. My grandparents! Wow! It was indeed a miracle. Later, i found out that this was how it happened…Grandma had been having Tinnitus…a buzzing in her ear for weeks and she had been to the doctor and nothing helped. She’d come to a point that she was very distressed by it. When her best friend, "6 aunty" invited her to church, she thought about it for a while…Then surprise surprise, she asked my grandpa, "Should she visit the church?" And even more surprising was that my grandpa replied, "Why not? In the 60-70 odd years that you have been a Buddhist, have you been happy?" So they both ended up in church and my grand ma got healed of her Tinnitus. From that point onwards, both my grandparents became Christians and found God in their old age. God is so gracious. I know that if not for Jesus Christ, they would have lived the last few years of their lives very differently. Before my grandma became a Christian, she was often very afraid of death. So fearful was she that she used to sob to sleep…But after, it was really a world of difference as she seemed to have adopted this peace when it came to death. She knew she was going to go to Heaven and she never doubted that. When her sickness became too much…she began to pray for God to take her home. And take her home, He did…

I thank God that He gave me a dream to warn me in July…that my grandma’s days were numbered and that I should go home to see her. I am so thankful that I did…5 weeks back I was back for a week and managed to spend some quality time with her…the whole time, I assured her it was ok to go home. That she would be with Jesus and without pain. But she said one thing kept her from that…She couldn’t bare to leave the family behind. She wanted to see her great-grandchild grow up…She wanted to see me get married. In my dream, I knew that I would not see her again after this time so i tried to cherish every moment that I had with her. I took down her rice wine recipe, her famous "mui choi kau yuk" and all my favourite dishes. I listened to her tell me about all the stories of old…of how they came to Malaysia from China and how her in-laws treated her badly and how it was very difficult, the early days in Malaysia…she needed to wash, sew clothes and sell food to make money to support the family…She said grandpa used to be so afraid that she would run off with another man cause situations were so dire (and my grandma was a very pretty woman). But she was devoted to her family…to provide the best she could to her 4 children even in that difficult situation. Because of that dedication, all 4 children would have the opportunity to study overseas and are today successful in their own ways. She had little but what little she had, she devoted them to her children. What she had a lot of though was LOVE and my aunt said in her eulogy that even though they had so little when they were growing up, they were always happy.

No matter how strong or how together you are as a person, nothing prepares you for the moment you lose someone dear and close to you.

I will miss her…but she is at home, because home is where He is…

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison because we look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

(2 Corinthians 4:16 - 5:10)

This is an AMAZING movie that shouldn’t be missed. It’s a film full of inspiration and hope for a better a "better world". Went to watch it on my birthday. Not many cinemas are carrying this movie so i ended up going to a Village cinema in the middle of Sunshine all the way North of Melbourne just to watch it. Was so touched by the end of the movie! Great performance by a great cast. But most of all, great meaning and values that we can all benefit from…William Wilbur Force is indeed a man of valour and integrity. Not many to come by who would put his own life on the line to save the lives of others - strangers he did not know but had a compassion for. He could not stand to live comfortably while other human beings were treated as mere goods in the trading world for more profits and power.

There is only one other man in this world who would go to the lengths that William Wilbur Force went to….and beyond. Indeed, we know that Jesus went to great lengths to save us…a people who do not even know who He is, who perhaps didn’t even want to know who He is. Yet, full of hope for a "better world" and to save those He loved, he would sacrifice everything, His very life, to save us…

Okok…back to the movie. You MUST WATCH!!

These weeks..have been bombarded by the need to not just sit on my butt as i witness all the injustice in this world. But what can I do? How can i help? Mere me?! Go the distance to some third world country? No it starts closer to home. Look around me and there are numerous people in poverty - not just physically. As much as I acknowledge that I am in poverty in some areas compared to others, many are as well. But let’s look only at the physical poverty…so many homeless, jobless, sick, widowed, troubled children, drub addicts, criminals…people who feel they are at their road’s end and have no where and no one to turn to. These people are normally shun by society and not thought of much by this "self-absorbed" society, like me. So, i have determined to make it my birthday "wish" to make myself available to one cause this year. Just one. Start small…to reach out to one group of people and to commit to do it consistently for the whole year. I hope I can do it…No! I will do it and I must do it. It’s my responsibility as a decent human being to care for those who are lesser in circumstances. Greatly i have been blessed, i should bless others back.

The Amazing Grace of God has thought me that i am no better than the begger on the street when it comes to the value of being a human being, a creation of God. We are equal…All undeserving but have each received the greatest gift of life. So let’s live this life in such a way to know that one day, i can look back and hope to be able to proclaim that the things i have done are meaningful and fulfilled…

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me…
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be…
as long as life endures.

When we’ve been here ten thousand years…
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…
then when we’ve first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,   
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see…

A week and a half ago, while i was driving to work and was bored as…i decided to call Light FM to answer the question, "Making World Poverty History…whose responsibility is it? The government, big companies, a few rich people or everyone?" Since i was bored, i decided to dial in and answer the question. Lo and behold, i got through! Then i was told that i had won a ticket to a conference call SURRENDER Conference…I simply said, "Cool!"After that, i heard on the radion (Light FM) that Jackie Pullinger and Mike Frost were both guest speakers at the conference and i thought, "GREAT!"

Then Wednesday, i got the mail…and to my shock, the conference was happening FRIDAY! This is one of the busiest times at work and I knew getting a day off was not going to reflect well on me as a Product Manager. So i thought i would take the indirect approach and pray as hard as i can that my Head of Dept would say i could take the half day off come Friday morning. I worked very hard on Thursday to clear all my work that week and come Friday morning, send out a comprehensive report on my projects and asked the BIG QUESTION. I told my Head of Dept that i had won a ticket for a Conference running Friday to Sunday. He was curious what kind of conference and i said - a Christian conference. He said……."OK"

Whooppppeeeee! I wrapped up work, said my good byes and "have a good weekend"s and hoped into my car to take the long drive to Belgrave Heights. I had no idea what to expect, except one of the Missionaries i respected the most, Jackie Pullinger, was going to be there.

And guess what?! IT WAS GREAT!!!!!!! I’m beginning to think that God had this planned. He knew very well that the prize for that phone call would be a free ticket to this amazing event filled with radical people for Christ…like none other i have ever seen. I felt like He totally swooped me off my feet and hijacked me once again…i had been praying before this for a revival within my heart. Needed it…was desperate for it. I think my prayers were answered. And it was for FREE!

"…we
need more fools, holy fools who insist that the folly of the cross is
wiser than any human power. And the world may call us crazy" — Shane Claiborne

This was the gist of the 3-day conference. There was nothing showy about the whole conference. In fact, everyone was amazingly nice and warm. Felt like coming home to a family of friends that you simply haven’t seen in a while. I met some new people there and instantly warmed up to them…

The teachings were some of the most basic teachings i’ve heard yet so very heart challenging.

Will bring you some of the highlights of this great conference very soon.

Stay tuned.

…

26 June 2007

In the multitude of my thoughts within me, Thy comforts delight my soul.
PSALMS 94:19

OH, listen then, Most Pitifull
To Thy poor creature’s heart;
It blesses Thee that Thou art God,
That Thou art what Thou art!
FREDERICK W. FABER

WHAT the particular thoughts or temptations are that disquiet you, I know not; but, whatsoever they are, look above them, and labor to fix your eye on that infinite goodness, which never faileth them that, by faith, do absolutely rely and rest upon it; and patiently wait upon Him, who hath pronounced them all, without exception, blessed that do so.
ROBERT LEIGHTON

Thoughts that disturb and trouble us seldom come from God. It is generally best to put them away, and throw ourself, with increased trust in Him and mistrust of self, at His feet. And never forget, amid whatever may befall you,–dryness, coldness, desolation, and disappointment, consciousness of many faults, and of great weakness, and want of faith,–that where love is, there God is sure to be. He never yet has suffered any soul to fall wholly from Him which, amid all its frailties and falls, clings to Him in love.
H. L. SIDNEY LEAR

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Many times, i must agree, my own thoughts are my greatest enemy. Often, our inclination to doubt and to think the worst of situations draw a conclusion that may not be what it seems. I have not always been like that. On the contrary, people used to think I was OVERLY optimistic - so much so that i had become idealistically unrealistic. Now 2 questions loom in my mind…How did i swing from one extreme to another; and How can one strike a balance between the 2?

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1 July 2007

Today, God answered that question through one of the ‘many’ online devotionals i subscribe (and often don’t read)…A Back to the bible devotional call "Streams in the Desert Devotional"…

I HEARD A STILL VOICE

"There was silence, and I heard a still voice"

(Job 4:16).

A score of years ago, a friend placed in my hand a book called True Peace. It
was an old mediaeval message, and it had but one thought–that God was
waiting in the depths of my being to talk to me if I would only get
still enough to hear His voice.

I thought this would be a very easy matter, and so began to get
still. But I had no sooner commenced than a perfect pandemonium of
voices reached my ears, a thousand clamoring notes from without and
within, until I could hear nothing but their noise and din.

Some were my own voices, my own questions, some my very prayers.
Others were suggestions of the tempter and the voices from the world’s
turmoil.

In every direction I was pulled and pushed and greeted with noisy
acclamations and unspeakable unrest. It seemed necessary for me to
listen to some of them and to answer some of them; but God said,

"Be still, and know that I am God." Then came the conflict of
thoughts for tomorrow, and its duties and cares; but God said, "Be
still."

And as I listened, and slowly learned to obey, and shut my ears to
every sound, I found after a while that when the other voices ceased,
or I ceased to hear them, there was a still small voice in the depths
of my being that began to speak with an inexpressible tenderness, power
and comfort.

As I listened, it became to me the voice of prayer, the voice of
wisdom, the voice of duty, and I did not need to think so hard, or pray
so hard, or trust so hard; but that "still small voice" of the Holy
Spirit in my heart was God’s prayer in my secret soul, was God’s answer
to all my questions, was God’s life and strength for soul and body, and
became the substance of all knowledge, and all prayer and all blessing:
for it was the living GOD Himself as my life, my all.

It is thus that our spirit drinks in the life of our risen Lord, and
we go forth to life’s conflicts and duties like a flower that has drunk
in, through the shades of night, the cool and crystal drops of dew. But
as dew never falls on a stormy night, go the dews of His grace never come to the restless soul.  –A. B. Simpson

Visit Back to the Bible website here…

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Today, more than ever, God reminded me of how little, nowadays, i seek Him and His voice in my life…Every confusion, every doubt, every misunderstanding…i could have dealt with differently if i had retreated to that place of Stillness in God and found answers and comfort from the Answer Himself.

It’s not just about getting answers from God. It’s not like that. I come to demand an answer and i go away happy that i got what i wanted to know. No. Far greater is the experience and the sense that God is with me and assures me in His comforting presence that He is in control and that I should trust Him. That makes the answer alive and ME alive!

• Peter had a lot of pride still in himself…He thought he was infallible in his love & faithfulness in Jesus. And he thought of himself "the best" disciple in Jesus’ book. With this pride, Peter may never be able to be the leader he will have to be when Jesus would no longer be on earth. Peter’s pride had to be dealt with by placing that pride in Jesus’ and receiving the fullness of His grace. How? Being restored by Jesus…
• Secondly, which is linked to reason no. 1, Jesus wanted Peter to understand that Peter’s leadership was by no means a product of Peter’s own abilities or "self righteousness" but the grace of God, of Jesus…and a product of our love for Jesus…

When Jesus found Peter on the same seaside where Jesus first called Peter, they would have had a one-on-one on the beach…over yummy grilled fish and a good long conversation. They could have remembered the day Jesus came to Peter and did that wonderful miracle…they could have laughed at the early days of how Peter made silly mistakes…and how he would grow to lead the others. Jesus could have talked to Peter about his ordeal and they could have laughed together about the Romans possible shock if they could see ALIVE Jesus know. Then Jesus throws Peter "the question":

"Peter, do you love me? - Do you love me as a "friend"?"

To which Peter answered, "Yes, I "love" You."

Jesus asks again, "Peter do you love me?" - Do you love me as a "brother"?

To which Peter answered, a little more sure this time, "Yes, I "love" You, Jesus."

The 3rd time Jesus asked Peter, "Peter, do you truly love me?" - "Do you love me unconditionally?"

This time Peter answered with certainty, and a little annoyance at Jesus because Jesus was asking him 3 times, "Yes, I love you…i really do…Unconditionally, I love You."

Unbeknown to Peter at that time, it was almost as good as Jesus saying "I forgive you….i forgive you….i forgive you" 3 times. Peter was one who always did the right thing by Jesus. He was always the one with the right answer…the right reaction…Now, Peter needed to be forgiven by Jesus. And it was not an easy thing to swallow. He may have felt that he had failed Jesus and was too proud to ask for forgiveness. But at this point, i can almost imagine Peter’s eyes welled up with tears that even after his denial of Jesus, Jesus still loves him…and that in fact, he still loves Jesus but, in a moment of weakness, did not do what he thought was right to do. Jesus had helped him to overcome the biggest disappointment in his life so that he can overcome the disappointments that would be coming his way in life…as he takes on the role as the leader of the church after Jesus ascends to Heaven.

Now, Peter was truly in the "grace" of Jesus…no longer functioning in the "abilities" of Peter. He will lead through "grace"…not his own wisdom or abilities as he comes to understand this wonderful love and grace of God.

"Love me more than your disappointments…Love me more than your own pride… Love me more than the insults that may come your way…Love me more than the difficulties that you will be facing…and you will love me all the way to eternity…"

Now these 3 things remain, love, faith and hope. And the greatest of these is love.

……………………………………………………………………

Lord, help me to love the way you want your children to love…help me to find hope and faith again in your love…Forgive me for my foolishness and weaknesses. Forgive me for not being able to overcome the difficulties that come my way. But deep down in my heart…I love you, Lord. I do.

……….